We’ve all played them, the games that just shouldn’t be called games; such abominations should be hidden away, and never seen again. Only a scant few have played them and even less have finished them. To these people, we applaud you, and more importantly we asked this: Why? Why would you subject yourself to such horrors as to play those games? Did you have a gun to your head? Were you paid a million dollars? To these questions we might never get the answers, but we all have those lists. The list of what can be called the worst games of all time. So without further ado, here is this writers’ TOP FIVE Worst Video Games of All Time!
Extreme PaintBrawl – Activison 1998
What’s better than going out with some friends, loading up that hopper and diving around a field shooting at one another with paintballs? How about NOT going out into the fresh air, but instead, opt to pay more money for a game you wouldn’t even use let your dog use as a chew toy. This game makes the last place spot of these five losing games…
So, what exactly makes this piece of drivel “Extreme”. Furthermore, what the hell is a Paint brawl? Is that what you do after you’ve run out of paintballs, like start clubbing each other with your empty paintball guns? This game is so bad, it actually only managed to earn a meek 0.7 (yes, out of 10.0) on the IGN boards. Yea, just that bad! So what’s so extreme about this exactly? Even with the ability to play online and a somewhat interesting soundtrack, this doesn’t come close to making it extreme. Hell, it doesn’t even make it “blah”. If you want a good laugh, leave this game sitting somewhere around your place and see who notices.
Superman 64 – Titus 1999
You’ve read the comics. You’ve seen the movies. Maybe, you’ve even worn your underwear outside your pants in an attempt to imitate him. Yes, you know who we’re talking about. The one, the only, Superman! Comic book geeks everywhere praise the man of steel, but you won’t need Kryptonite to take down our fourth game in this list. You’ll just need some advil and a lot of patience.
With fourteen levels of Superman fun, you’d at least expect the game to have some sort of depth. Sadly if you were expecting anything even remotely deep, then you’ll be sorely disappointed. The graphics are bland yet it seems to repeat that for a surprising amount of levels. Even multiplayer is not enough to save this game from going in the wood chipper. No amount of forced replay is going to make this game any fun. Sorry Superman fans, even as die hard fans, this is one game the Man of Steel can’t save himself from.
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Left Behind: Eternal Forces – Left Behind Games 2006
Religious fanatics everywhere, avert your eyes as I move onto the third worst game. Whatever happened to the good old days of the Door to Door Jehovah’s witness? They’d come by, knock on your doors, and try to convince you why Jesus is so great…or something to that affect. Well, they’re still around pushing their religious tripe down our throats. Since this is the technological era, they too have made advances to assist in converting people. We also call it number three in our list…
So, let me set the scene for you. The “Rapture” has happened, and the “righteous” have ascended to heaven, while the unfaithful are left behind on earth to deal with the “Apocalypse”. As the player of this game, you take the reigns as the Angelic Tribulation Forces, going against the demonic Global Community Peacekeepers during the End of Days. In it, you must either convert or kill the unfaithful. Honestly, I could write pages and pages on this, but I won’t. This game has so many things wrong with it, that I can’t begin to go down the list. I hereby condemn this game straight to the pits of Hell. Enough said.
Swashbucklers: Blue vs. Grey – 1C Games 2006
So, leaving the religious behind, we come to second to last game of our list. Johnny Depp showed us that being a pirate could be great fun with the adventures, pirate ship battles and let’s not forget, the great plundering and swashbuckling we’ve all come to love. Too bad this game has none of the fun. Instead, it replaces it with tedium. In second place, we call out a game that not only shows us how long and boring pirate battles can be, but also shows us that people during the pirate era talked like suffocating donkeys.
The last time I saw dated graphics like this, it was back when the PS2 first came out. If this game had come out then, I might be a little more forgiving. You should just avoid this game out-right, no matter how big of a pirate-junkie you might be. This game might actually put you off pirates’ altogether. So, where to start? I think a good starting point would be the voice acting.
Instead of even attempting to do voice acting, they have their actors…or, what I can assume are actors, make muffled sounds that don’t even sound like words. Next, we have the penultimate of tedium: The pirateship battles. Oh the boredom! Oh the horror! You first have to find your opponents ship in the vast ocean that is your battle screen. Then, you barrage one another with cannon volleys. This is assuming you haven’t already gotten bored from just hunting them down in the vast ocean. All in all, this game is just bad, no replay, no value…just no. Stay away!
E.T. The Extraterrestrial – Atari 1982
Finally we come to first place, which is actually, the worst of the worst. A game so bad, that it was rumored to have been tossed into a desert somewhere never to be seen again. Programmed in a scant five weeks, this game is the very height, no, the very pinnacle of what a game should not be. I speak of none other than everyone’s favorite lapse in sanity: E.T.
This game’s been called the worst game of all time, but that’s putting it nicely. Hell, I don’t even think this game is worthy of such an honorary title. There is no way around it. Not a single game I’ve played is worse than this. The graphics actually made me angry. The sound almost broke my ear drums. Finally, here is no story or at least not one that I would recognize. It’s not even really based on the movie!
You essentially walk around with ET searching for piece of some sort of phone. The game itself is so mind-numbingly slow, it takes ages to even accomplish a single task. Let’s not forget that all the while ET is moving, he is losing life. Oh, it’s challenging! Are you kidding me? This isn’t challenging! It’s a lesson in patience and stick-to-itiveness. I have no idea why anyone would want to make a game so horrible, and then expect people to actually enjoy it. So without holding back any longer, I now declare E.T. The Extraterrestrial the WORST game of all time.
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